This is something I wrote in my journal just as a morning jot.
Isaiah 52:14c ESV "....his appearance was so marred, beyond human semblance, and his form beyond that of the children of mankind-"
What love a that even after that he would say, "Father Yahweh, forgive them for they don't know what they are doing.".
What love is this, that even in his suffering, he would say, “Father Yahweh, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Imagine being beaten and enduring intolerable pain, yet thinking of others instead of himself, asking for forgiveness for us. Undeserving. Unasking. Unrepentant. Sinners. Unworthy. Lord, my gratitude is beyond words. I feel as though I am walking through a dark, endless hallway, crowded with people in dark clothing, pushing and jostling each other to get through first. They stop to speak of worldly things, telling me how to live, how to act, how to please. But then I see a man dressed in white, so pure. He strides through the unending hallway in moments to reach me. He gently parts the crowd and approaches. I drop to my knees, tears streaming down my cheeks, my eyes closed, a throbbing pain in my chest. He bends down to be where I am, to see what I see, to help me. I cannot speak, overwhelmed with guilt for what I have done and the pain I caused him. I pierced his hands, drove the spear through his side, and was in the crowd chanting, "Release Barabbas!" As these thoughts fade and I open my tear-soaked eyes, I see the scars in his hands and start to sob again, laying my head on his lap, my comfort. He holds my hand, and though a pain rushes through me, I keep holding on. It is a good pain, a healing pain. I look up, the pain still throbbing in my chest as I gaze into his eyes. His face shows an incredible, abundant love—no condemnation, no hate, no pride, no shame—none of those human things. Something else entirely, a heavenly peace, joy, incredible love, care, grace. Unexplainable. He brings his hand to my cheek and wipes my tears away. Another stinging pain, yet more healing. Through my sobs, I ask, “Why would you die, knowing I would continue to sin? Knowing me and all that I have done, even before I did it?” I look down at his hands again, more tears streaming. He speaks a word I cannot repeat, unspeakable to humans, yet I understand it. It encompasses every good thing, heavenly and humanly expressible, in one word. A reminder of who he is, a word I’ll never forget: I AM. The throbbing in my chest was immense guilt for what I had done. But I was forgiven. I am forgiven because he forgave me. I struggled to forgive myself for the longest time. After that, as I walked through that hallway, he held my hand and helped me on our journey to the end. Often, those dark shadows would speak of worldly things, and I would listen. I didn’t act on them, but they pulled at me to make my treasure here on earth. Then I would realize I was letting go of His hand. Listening to those fully immersed in the world, I would drift further away from him. I didn’t realize I was separating until I heard a still, small, calm voice that said that word, and I would return to him, remembering that he is so much more fulfilling and good than the things of this small, temporary world. It became easier to resist the world as I grew in my faith in him and walked with him through it all. He always offered more than this life.
-I AM, Serena Visser October 14, 2022
PS. I didn't draw this ⬇️ but I love it.
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